What is the State of Grace Document?

There is a new way to build, sustain and transition relationships with honor and grace and it is called the State of Grace Document. It takes into consideration each individual involved in the relationship, their personal preferences, their expectations as well as the nature of the relationship, be it between colleagues, employee and manager, partners, husband and wife, landlord and tenant, client and supplier, or any other relationship situation that exists.

The State of Grace Document consists of:

1. The Story of Us — the story of the individuals as they see one another while things are going smoothly. This is done in order to capture that affirmative perspective and remind ourselves of the true beauty of the other person in the event things go astray and we lose sight of what we once found so amazing.
2. Workstyles and Warning Signs — Each person creates a bullet-pointed list of his or her Work Styles and Warning Signs. The Work Styles is an account of how you like to work in general. Do you need to think out loud with a group, work alone at times, need an agenda? The Warning Signs lists the external clues that show signs of stress. Do you go quiet, immerse yourself deeper in your work, become a perfectionist?
3. List of Questions — The parties craft a list of questions they commit to answer for one another that will help bring a return state of peace if the need arises. Questions like: What am I afraid of? What truths do I need to tell? What do I need from you right now? What part does money play in this situation? What do I gain by continuing/ending this relationship? Is it time to redefine or redirect our work together?
4. Long-term Agreement — They also agree that if by chance something unimaginable happens and they can’t manage to come together to go over the questions to return to a state of grace, they commit that they’ll not do anything to outright harm, speak negatively to others about, or create more pain for the other. They also agree on a long-range timeframe of five years to get back together to find peace if they can’t seem to make it happen before then.
5. Expectations — Many people include an Expectations section in the Document where they can list the type of things contracts traditionally cover in terms of what's to be done, agreed upon or intentioned.

I am offering a very simple, practical, yet very personal and tailor-made tool. It is currently being used in corporations, small businesses, non-profits, churches, families and schools, between couples etc. When I spoke at an International Peace and Conflict Resolution Conference in St. Petersburg, Russia the concept easily crossed all cultural and language boundaries among the 57 countries represented. It’s an idea whose time has come and people are writing me from all over the world to learn more.

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The State of Grace Document provides an alternative method of negotiating the ups and downs of our relationships compared with other options available currently in our society. For several years I’ve been working with BP (British Petroleum) in the U.K. They were very open to creating new foundations including The State of Grace Document. After several months, I saw how their decision to place a state of grace as their top priority affected the company. BP was involved in a highly expensive, four-year lawsuit with a man fighting a zoning change forcing him to sell his land to accommodate an oil platform safety procedure. The lawyers involved asked the leadership team to refrain from any contact with the plaintiff, even though he had repeatedly requested it. Yet somewhere in their hearts, now that they were seeing business from a different perspective, they knew it was wrong to remain out of a state of grace with this man. So two men from the leadership team asked this man to lunch. They genuinely apologized for the agony he was caused and acknowledged how difficult it must have been to sell his land. Over the course of their meeting, they learned the man was only looking for a personal response from a very large, impersonal corporation. A few short hours later the entire lawsuit was dropped.

Rather than relying on the legal system to protect us from the pain or take control and sort it out after it’s occurred, we need a less antagonistic, more sacred path through the unavoidable transitions that ultimately take place in life, marriage or business or friendship alike. This path, which is accomplished by creating a State of Grace Document, is a better alternative than succumbing to a succession of raw endings that acutely affect our relationships going forward; business or personal.

The State of Grace Document gives us an opening to say to someone, “For some reason things feel a little off kilter with us right now. What’s going on?” We can stop running away, blaming outside influences or waiting till it negatively erupts, and get straight to the point. The State of Grace Document has an agreed upon premise that we ultimately want to be at peace within ourselves and with the other person, even as we address areas that aren’t so pretty to look at.
It’s time to raise awareness to a new approach, giving people an option other than the on-going pain of transition. Current literature on the topic of relationships most often addresses our need to find that perfect relationship and then moves on to approach what to do when it’s already in turmoil or has ended. In reality what we do at the beginning shapes the ending and our endings shape our next beginnings. The beauty of the State of Grace Document is that it provides a way to create a solid foundation at the beginning of a relationship that then sustains us through the middle and into the transition phases with grace and dignity. It truly changes the destiny of the relationship.

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